How I Lost Faith in My Grammar Checker

HOW I LOST FAITH IN MY GRAMMAR CHECKER

Fri. Feb. 20th, 2015

I was writing an E-mail, wrote they're, and my grammar checker put a wavy blue line underneath it.  "They're" disappeared from the E-mail before I sent it, and I no longer remember the exact context.  But I remember quite clearly that I was using it as a contraction of they are.  There are only two possibilities: either I used they're incorrectly, or my grammar checker thinks you can't use they're as a contraction of they are.  Let's pursue the second possibility briefly.  If my grammar checker thinks one shouldn't use "they're" as a contraction, then the ancient Romans would ask, Cui bono?  Who benefits?  I think I can answer that question.  Your boss!

Why do I say that?  Well, for starters, it doesn't apply to me.  If you work at a college or university like me, this is a non-issue.  But let's imagine a dialog between a supervisor and somone they supervise at almost any other type of workplace:

Supervisor:      I notive you wrote "they're", and the grammar checker put a blue wavy line underneath it.  You need to get rid of that "they're."

Supervisee:      But I used it as a contraction of they are!

Supervisor:      I don't care about that.  The grammar checker says it's wrong, so change it.

Supervisee leaves supervisor's office shaking their head.  "I thought I was right about they're, but I guess my supervisor knows better."

Ladies and gentlemen, that's not what's going on.  What's going on is, firstly, your supervisor doesn't want to get into an argument with you about grammar.  Secondly, if your supervisor does get into an argument with you about grammar, your supervisor wants a guaranteed victory.

I suppose the grammar checker used to be on your English teacher's side.  But it isn't anymore.  It's gone over to your boss's side.

I can bend and fold in many different ways, but in the abstract, as a user of English grammar and spelling, I want to be on my English teachers' side.  Whether one of them is dead or all of them are is completely immaterial.  My two points are:  Be true to your generation.  I'm a linguistically conservative member of my generation, and I want to write and talk like other linguistically conservative members of my generation.  Second, I want to honor my English teachers.  Most of us don't have very many ways we can honor our English teachers.  But continuing to write according to the rules your English teachers taught you is one way you can honor them, even after decades have gone by.

That's how I lost faith in my grammar checker.  We pursued the possibility that I used "they're" correctly, and I do believe I've dived down and touched the muddy bottom of my grammar checker's motives.  (Not "it's motives".)

P.S.  I toyed with the idea of blogging about the war between Russia and the Ukraine, but something bad would have happened to me if I had.